Don't Leave
by Karin1
Summary: Cordelia and Angel are having a quarrel. Feelings start running high and Cordelia walks away. Will Angel say the one thing she wants to hear?
1. The quarrel

**Disclaimer: **'Angel' and its characters are the property of Mutant Enemy Productions, 20th Century Fox, Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt etc. I'm writing this story for entertainment purpose only. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author's note:** I have only seen a few episodes of the first and second season and I know Connor only from the fanfics posted here on , so if I've got something wrong, please remember that!

English is not my native/first language. If you find an annoying writing error in this story, please email me (instead of mentioning it in a review) and I will correct it immediately. Thanks!

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**Don't Leave**

By Karin

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The loud screaming of an infant welcomed Angel as he opened the door to his hotel. It was an angry screaming, saying: 'I'm crying here for hours now. Why doesn't anyone come?'

Angel frowned. The lobby was empty. There was no one. Where was Cordelia? She was supposed to look after Connor while he was gone. She had offered to sit his son herself. He knew she liked Connor. Who couldn't like his son, seeing his angelic face and beautiful baby blue eyes? But that was just a proud father speaking.

The screaming became louder as he reached the nursery. Inside he stumbled upon a complete mess. Cuddly bears, toys and a blanket lay scattered on the ground. Connor was standing in his crib, his small hands around the bars. He was holding them so tightly that his knuckles had turned white. Big tears ran down his cheeks.

The moment Connor saw his father he stopped screaming. With big sad eyes he looked at Angel. Then his bottom lip started to quiver and he began all over again.

"Easy, fellow." Angel lifted him out of his crib and took him in his arms. With one hand he supported his head and with the other he cradled his son close to his chest. Connor struggled against his grasp at first, but then his warm, flushed body relaxed. The tears stopped running and the screaming decreased to a soft moaning.

"That's my boy," Angel said warmly.

He was still not used to having his son in his arms. His son. The one word he never thought he would say. After all these hundreds of years, after all the hoping, he could finally call himself a father. It was unbelievable, and yet it felt so right. As if this was predestined to be all along. They belonged together.

Connor let out a satisfied sigh. Angel smiled relieved. When he heard Connor crying like that he was afraid that something bad had happened to his son. He could have been sick or maybe something had hurt him. Why didn't anyone check up on him?

'Cordelia. Where the hell is she?'

Angel put Connor back in his crib. He grabbed the cuddly bears and the toys Connor had tossed on the floor, and laid them next to him so that if he would wake, he could reach out for them. Then he tucked his son in with his favorite blanket.

Angel's hand lingered on Connor's head. "Goodnight."

He softly closed the door behind him. As he left the nursery endearment made place for anger. Anger towards Cordelia. She was the one in charge of Connor, but instead of taking care of him, she had left him all alone. God knew for how long. He could have been dead already and she wouldn't even have noticed.

Angel checked every room. The lobby again, the office, the toilet, the library although she probably didn't even know he had one. She wasn't there.

Then he went upstairs. The only place left was the bedroom. His suspicion proved to be right when he opened one of the bedroom doors and found her lying on the bed, huddled up. Her eyes were closed, her breathing steady. She was fast asleep. Her face looked so peaceful though sharp lines revealed that her life beyond the world of dreams was far from peaceful.

Angel didn't notice any of it. His anger only increased when he found her sleeping instead of watching out for Connor. He walked over to the bed and started to shake her.

"Cordelia, wake up."

She didn't react. She only let out a soft moaning and stirred, but she didn't wake up.

Since patience never was one of his good virtues Angel gave her a good shaking this time and in a harsh voice he said: "Cordelia, wake up!"

Cordelia startled awake. Totally confused she peered the room. It took her a few seconds to realize where she was, that she wasn't asleep anymore.

When she saw Angel standing next to the bed everything came back. She jumped up, ignoring an attack of dizziness. "Is something wrong with Connor?" Her voice was filled with concern and guilt.

"No, nothing is wrong with Connor. No thanks to you." Maybe it sounded sharper than was intended, but Angel was really angry. He was furious with her for being so inattentive, so careless.

Cordelia winced under his look. "Oh my God, I'm sorry, Angel. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to lie down for a minute. I guess I fell asleep."

"You guess?" he said sarcastically.

With glassy eyes from the sleep she looked from Angel to the bedraggled blankets and sheets on the bed. "I did. I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

"Cordelia, I trusted you with my son. I assumed that you would watch out for him. You didn't. He screamed his lungs out, while you were sleeping here. Anything could have happened."

"I know." Tears appeared in her eyes, particularly out of shock. Images of Connor being dead, hurt or taken by the horrible creatures of the night flashed before her eyes. "This is totally my fault."

"Yes it is," he totally agreed with her. Then he murmured under his breath: "But what else could I have expected from you?"

Cordelia gulped as she caught a few words. It was one thing to be angry at her – she could perfectly understand his concern for Connor and his safety – but insulting her was something else.

"Why are you saying that? I apologized, didn't I? I said I was sorry. What else do you want?"

"I want you to act responsibly. You're not a little girl anymore, Cordelia. Wake up and welcome to the real world. There's more to life than make-up and clothes."

With eyes wide open she stared at him. "Do you really think that's all I care about?" She spread out her arms. "Clothes and make-up?"

Angel shrugged. "Is that so surprising? It's all you can talk about. While everyone else is worried about the world going to hell, you worry about not having enough money to follow the fashion."

The blush on her cheeks disappeared. Instead all color drained from her face. "And you never wonder why I act that way? Why I am so 'shallow' as you call it?"

"Should I?"

Cordelia gasped at his cold question. "No, you don't. I doubt if you ever have. Do you have any idea what I have been through these last couple of years. Do you even want to know? Do you even care?"

"Now don't make such a drama of it."

Cordelia shook her head tiredly. "I'm not being dramatic, Angel. I'm being realistic. This is how I protect myself. Maybe it's not the right way, but I don't know any other way. I don't have anyone to protect me. I don't have anyone. I'm alone."

Angel grimaced. "Welcome to the club, Cordelia. Everyone is alone. You're no exception. But it doesn't justify your behavior."

"And it doesn't justify you in being such a jerk."

Anger took over her. It was an easier feeling to deal with. It always was. A hard mask came over her face; her eyes narrowed. She put her hands on her hips, letting her bitchy side take over.

"What is this, Angel? The 'be-a-total-ass day'?"

When he didn't answer, she continued with flashing eyes: "You don't care about me. You have never cared about me. All you care about are my visions. Do you even know what they did to me? I felt like I was going crazy. They took away everything I had; they took control over my life. But you don't care, do you? All you care about is Buffy, Darla or whatever blonde comes your way."

"That is not true," Angel tried to defend himself, but it was a weak attempt. His words lacked all conviction to make her believe otherwise.

Cordelia snorted. "Oh no? Whenever they need your help, you are always there for them as the knight in shining armor. You forget everything else around you; all your attention goes to them. You don't see what's in front of you."

His voice was dark when Angel said: "All I see is someone who I can't trust with my son."

"Yes of course, it was wrong of me to fall asleep. You can't make me feel guiltier than I already feel, Angel. If something had happened to Connor…" She shook her head. "I don't know what I would have done. I love him, probably more than you know. Sometimes it feels as if he's my son too."

"Well, he's not."

Cordelia gulped. She suddenly felt cold, as if an icy hand clasped her heart. Shivers ran down her spine. She blinked away the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. "That was low, Angel. Is this your way of punishing me for making a mistake? Making mistakes is human. Oh, but wait…" She paused, then the hurtful words gushed from her lips. "You wouldn't know. You're not even human."

She knew her remark was just as mean and low as his was, but she didn't care anymore. After everything that had been said that last comment was the limit. No more playing nice. It was one against one now, and things were going to get nasty.

Angel seemed to writhe under her comment. "Get out," he said huskily. "Now."

His hands were clenched and he was shaking over his entire body. Cordelia knew that his vampire features would soon take over, and that wasn't something she wanted to wait for.

She grabbed her purse from the bedside table. "I won't say go to hell, because you've already been there, but you get the picture."

She turned around and left the bedroom before Angel could say another word. He heard her heated footsteps going down the stairs. A minute later the door slammed shut.

Angel sat down on the bed and buried his face in his hands. A deep sigh escaped his lips. Slowly he calmed down and it was then that he realized what he had said to Cordelia, what he had destroyed. After Darla he'd done everything to regain her trust and friendship, only to throw it away again.

'What have I done? How could I have said those things to her?'

He had taken out everything that had happened the last couple of months on her. Frustration had lashed bitterly through his words. He had lost control at the expense of her. Regret took over him. He had hurt her before; he had hurt her again. Twice the hothead, twice the fool.

'Now how am I going to make up for it?'

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_**To Be Continued…**_

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I hope you liked my story. Please write a review to let me know what you think of it and if you would like to read the next part. Thank you! : ) - Karin -


	2. Making up

Again, English is not my native/first language. If you find an annoying writing error in this story, please email me (instead of mentioning it in a review) and I will correct it immediately.

**Author's note:** Thank you so much for your reviews. It means a lot to me. And now for the 2nd and last part…

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**Don't Leave**

By Karin

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Cordelia stuck her head around the door of the hotel. Her gaze wandered about the lobby to see if anyone was there. She didn't want to alert anyone nor did she want to run into someone. She needed some time to herself, some peace and quiet to think everything over.

Without making a sound she sneaked into the nursery. Although it was long past his bedtime Connor was still awake. He was sitting on his blanket, a stuffed animal in his small fist. He looked up when a shadow fell on his crib. His face crinkled into a huge smile as he recognized the person in his room. He was too young to understand who Cordelia really was, but it was her smell that told him that she was the one who had held him before. In his perception she was safe and nice.

"Hi you little guy," Cordelia murmured. "Why aren't you asleep? You should go sleepy, sleepy."

She leaned over the crib and tenderly caressed his head. Connor raised his arms and tried to grab her sweater.

Cordelia chuckled. "You don't want to go to sleep, do you?"

She lifted Connor up. It felt so good to have him in her arms. She sat down in the recently bought rocking chair. With sad eyes she looked upon him. His face radiated of joy for being out of his crib at this late hour. He was still so young, but his features already reminded her of someone she'd rather not think about.

"You look like your daddy, Connor." Cordelia brushed his lips, cheeks and finally his eyes. A warm feeling spread through her entire body. "You may not be my son, but I do love you so much. I wish the others would see that."

Connor began to blow bubbles and his fingers made a grab for her hair. She laughed despite a stab of pain. He was just a baby, but he already had the strength of a toddler. She knew he was going to be a very strong man.

She let him take hold of her fingers. He clasped her forefinger firmly and put it in his mouth. A satisfied smile curled upon his lips.

"You're the only one who loves to see me, Connor. The only one who cares about me. And you're just a baby. You don't know any better."

"I care about you."

Cordelia startled when his dark voice suddenly filled the room. Resisting the urge to look up, she kept her eyes downcast, her gaze fixated on the angelic face of little Connor. He stirred when her arms tightened around him in a sudden reflex to the emotion Angel's voice and comment brought about in her.

"You care about me, Angel?" Her voice was husky. "Then you sure have a strange way of showing it."

Tears were burning in her throat, but she swallowed them away. She did not want to cry. Not now, not ever again. She'd already cried enough for one day.

"I'm sorry."

Her face clouded. "I don't need your 'sorry', Angel. What good will that do me? Will it take away all the things you said to me? Will it make me feel different?"

"I don't know what else to say."

"No, you never do. What will you give me this time? Buy me even more clothes? I don't need clothes, at least not yours. I don't need anything you can give me." Cordelia shook her head. "Maybe you're right. No one in his right mind would have forgiven you for some clothes. I did, so maybe I am just as shallow as you accused me of. Maybe…"

"No, you aren't," Angel corrected her quickly. "There's nothing I can do, nothing I can buy you. All I can say is that I was wrong. I didn't mean anything I said. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"But you do, everyday. You say that you care about me. Then why don't you ever show me?" Cordelia burst out emotionally. "I feel like I don't mean anything to you. You never tell me. Why don't you?"

Angel's back was bent, his face even gloomier than usual. "I don't know, Cordy." For a moment the room was veiled in silence, then he confessed: "Maybe because I'm afraid."

"Afraid?"

He evaded her glance. It was easier to bare his soul with his back turned towards her, so he would not have to see the pain in her eyes. "Afraid that if I let you come too close, you will leave me just like everyone else has done."

His confession came as a surprise to her. "Why would you think that? I won't leave you," Cordelia said confused.

"Why wouldn't you? Everyone else has. I'm just as alone as you are. Buffy, Darla… They're not here, are they? All I have left is Connor. And when I heard my son crying like that, I was afraid that he would be taken from me as well. I didn't want to burst out to you. I didn't mean anything I said. I was just so…"

"Worried about him," Cordelia finished for him. She already knew that. It had taken her a few hours to realize that his harmful words only stemmed from his concern for Connor. And although she was still offended – his words had hit home, exposed her insecurities – she could not stay angry with Angel for long. She never could. But that didn't mean that she had to forgive him right away.

"I don't want to be the punchball you need every time things get too tough for you."

"You can call me a jerk, a moron or an idiot…" Angel suggested.

"Or all of the above."

Angel grimaced. "You're right. I have been a moron and a jerk and an idiot."

"Yes, you were Angel. And you did hurt me a lot. Not as much as with the whole Darla thing…," she added as casual as possible.

Hope raised in Angel's dark eyes. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. You have to believe me. I lost my temper when I found you sleeping instead of looking after Connor. I can't lose him, Cordy. I can't. He's everything to me."

"He's everything to me as well, Angel. I would never do anything to hurt him."

He nodded. "I know. I know you love him. You've been more like a mother to him than anyone else has, than anyone probably could be." He paused for a moment, then continued softly, almost hesitantly: "I was worried about you too when you didn't come home. If something had happened to you, I would never have forgiven myself. I don't want to lose you, Cordelia. I don't know what I would do…"

His face was blank, but his words said enough. Cordelia knew he meant it. That afternoon he had hurt her, but his confession that he was afraid of losing her had already made up for a lot. She needed to hear him say those words, that he needed her, he wanted her. This time he didn't have to buy her anything, act like a busy overworked father who'd forgotten his daughter's birthday. This time true words were enough. His concern was enough.

Cordelia looked up. Tears shone in her beautiful green eyes. "I went to the park. I sat on the bench for hours, thinking about my life as it is. And the more I thought about it, the more I…"

"…Hated it," Angel finished gloomily.

She looked intently at him. She could dream his features. His black bottomless eyes in which a girl could drown, the sharp lines in his face, the smile he sometimes shot at her… Cordelia was suddenly overwhelmed with so many warm feelings, so much emotion, that a knot formed in her stomach. Confusion, sadness, joy and also a stronger feeling were fighting inside of her. She couldn't imagine a life without Angel anymore. He had become a part of her, probably the most important and special part.

Then she looked at the baby in her arms. He was so precious to her. As he lay there, blowing bubbles and playing with her sweater with those cute tiny fingers, she felt so at ease as if there was no evil waiting for them outside the hotel, no distress and no sadness. Just this moment.

Her voice was barely a whisper when she said: "No, the more I counted myself lucky."

Angel looked up. Their eyes met. Surprise was clearly written in his. He had not expected her to say that. But then again, this night was full of surprises. For the first time since they'd met they were completely honest to each other about their thoughts and feelings.

"You look surprised," Cordelia said with a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. "It's simple, Angel. Apart from all the bad things that have happened, I feel like I've finally found my own place. I do important work, I help people who need it, I have my friends. Wesley, Gunn and…you. I think I finally know who I am now."

"But what about your dreams?"

She closed her eyes for a moment. Though she had resigned herself to her fate, she could not hide the sadness and bitterness that clouded them. "I had dreams of becoming a star. I wanted people to look up to me, to admire me. I wanted to feel important. But especially, and I realize that now, I was looking for someone who would love me for who I was, not for who my parents were or for how much money I had."

Angel listened attentively to her. She was so different now. Not the spoiled or brainless child he'd accused her of. He was looking at a serious woman who had the strength and courage to be that honest to him, to share her insecurities with him. He now realized what she had meant earlier by the way she behaved in order to deal with the horrors. Her act prevented her from getting hurt, from being drowned by the evil and despair she had to experience every day.

"You have accepted me, Angel. I know I've driven you all mad several times, but you didn't push me away for once. Everyone else has. My parents, my friends, everyone. Except for you. So, why would I want to leave when I have everything right here?"

Angel smiled warmly at her. He was relieved to hear her say that she wasn't leaving. Then again, where would she go? She had nowhere to go. She belonged here, just as much as he belonged here. Cordelia could have chosen any city in the entire country. She could have gone to New York, to Chicago, to Boston, anywhere. But she chose Los Angeles. The city of Angels. His city. Maybe it was fate. He didn't really believe in fate. He'd seen too much to believe in anything except himself, and even that was difficult sometimes.

Still, he got the feeling that they were linked somehow, and it wasn't only because of the Powers that Be. Cordelia was meant to guide him and he needed her for that, but he also needed her to keep him in this world, to prevent him from slipping into that darker, beckoning place. And there was also another reason why he needed her, one he wasn't ready to give into. At least not yet.

"He's asleep."

Cordelia's sweet voice startled him out of his thoughts. He looked at his son in her arms. They made a pretty picture.

"Let's get him to bed."

Cordelia lay Connor down in his crib. He stirred in his sleep when his back touched the blankets, but fortunately he didn't wake up.

A shiver ran down her spine when she suddenly felt an arm around her shoulder. Angel had touched her before, held her whenever she had a painful vision, but this was not 'workrelated'. This was different, more personal and also more enjoyable.

She leaned into his embrace, feeling his body against hers. It was strange not to hear a heart beating or feel his body heat. Feelings she had pushed back for too long surged through her. It had been so easy telling herself that they didn't have a chance together, that they could never be, but with his arm around her she could no longer deny her feelings.

"I'm really sorry, Cordy." Angel briefly caressed her cheek. Her face turned into a flattering shade of pink at his touch. "Don't believe the words of an idiot. You're not shallow. You've already done so much for me, for Connor. I wish I were better in showing you how much I appreciate that, how much you mean to me. You're a caring, strong, brave, amazing woman…"

Cordelia raised her eyebrows. "I believe you're forgetting something."

"And beautiful as well," Angel added quickly.

Cordelia turned around and faced him. His features had softened; his eyes radiated warmth.

"Since I know how much you hate to say you're sorry, you probably mean it. But I do know of a way you can make up for it."

Angel sighed relieved. He was a man of action, not of words. "Anything."

"Well," she grinned mischievously. "Next week there's this party. We will go with your car and you'll have to wear a tuxedo. It will be a whole evening of mingling, drinking champagne and showing off. Great, huh?"

With every word Angel's face became darker. A horrified look appeared in his eyes at the thought of spending a whole night socializing. It was the ideal punishment – and of course she knew that – but it was nothing if it would help her forgive him.

"All right. If that's what it takes to have your friendship back. "

"Well, part of it." Her eyes were sparkling. "I will have to think about the rest."

Angel shook his head, smiling. "I'm sure you will come up with something."

"Oh, I will. You can count on that. And my revenge will be sweet." She lowered her eyes for a moment. "You know, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have…"

"I know. It was just a reaction to my words."

A soft radiance came over her face as she looked up again. "You don't have to be afraid of losing me, Angel. I am not going anywhere. You're not getting rid of me that easily."

In a sudden impulse – ignoring the alarm bells in her head – Cordelia wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her face against his chest. She felt Angel stiffen for a few seconds, then his body relaxed and he embraced her firmly, running his hand through her short hair. They stood there for what seemed like hours, both enjoying the rare and special moment.

Angel tightened his arms around her and with his chin on her hair he said softly: "I do care about you, Cordelia. I care about you very much – 'more than I can tell you' – and I don't want to see you get hurt."

Cordelia smiled. "That's all I need to know, Angel."

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_The End_

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I hope you liked my story. I know you were probably hoping for a whole 'I love you' scene, but this is all you'll get for now! : -) Please let me know what you think of it. Thank you! - Karin -


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